My Higher Power is John Stamos
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Found the puke drawer
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
