I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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