Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
