My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Randomize
