It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
be right there i have to get my cape
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
