My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
There's always time for handjobs
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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