We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
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