All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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