i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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