So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
