Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
FUCK WHALES
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
