I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
