You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
