There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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