Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Randomize
