I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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