mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
