I think I died a long time ago.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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