Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
they're like a gay fantastic four
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
