There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
