ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Randomize
