I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
