So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
