I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
wakey wakey hands off snakey
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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