Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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