They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
