I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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