It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
All I want is dick and wine.
Couch. On fire.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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