he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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