I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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