Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
