It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
