i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Randomize
