Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I'm both gender and math confused
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
