Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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