So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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