Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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