i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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