If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
