Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
