Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
