There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
