I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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