We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I'm like, not good at living.
Randomize
