i always forget guys have bellybuttons
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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