The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Randomize
