I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
50% drunk capacity currently
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize
