just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
