Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
the day after is always just damage control
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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