I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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