New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Randomize
