Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
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