apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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